ASSME Investigates: Gawker Made Him Semi-Famous, So We Give You More: Mark L. Emerson, Chief Angel

Mark L. Emerson, Goddess-seeker

So someone tipped Gawker to a link that’s been floating around aggregator sites like Reddit for a few days – or they found it themselves – and up went Hamilton Nolan’s post about Mark, The Goddess Seeker.

Poor Mark Laurence Donald Emerson. Yes, he may have been doing work on the Web for nearly a decade (here’s a Usenet post he made in 2000 for a venture called AlgebraVictory.com), but he clearly, with his FindingMyGoddess.com, doesn’t get what he’s dealing with now. The Web has always been full of wolves, but now they kind of run the place, and Mark L. D. Emerson really put some meat out when he first put his dating site online.

Bloggers have actually intermittently commented on the site since March this year, and no wonder, because the dude really wrote some howlers into his detailed page about the Goddess he seeks. Gawker notes one of the best nuggets:

Mark’s “on the brink of a large-scale financial success that many people believe will escalate me, over the next decade, from member of the middle class-to billionaire.” Can you handle that?

Also worth noting – Emerson does NOT want a woman who is into Scientology.

So what’s the deal with the guy and his soon-to-be billionaire status and distaste for Scilons? We have a few ideas…

Mark Emerson’s route to Bill Gates money may be this: AngelBase.com. Emerson runs the site, and like his FindingMyGoddess page, it is registered to “Holy Realm of Surrendered Service” in Las Vegas. He first registered the address in 1997, so his faith in the money he’ll make is obviously buttressed by a good deal of patience. A “profound, new, patented computing paradigm,” here’s what AngelBase will do:

AngelBase is going to redefine the entire $720 billion computing industry, from bottom to top…from microchips to global systems. This mind-boggling new technology will dramatically improve the way people use computers and the way computers work.

In approximately two years, people all over the world will begin using AngelBase. This will usher in a huge, Light-filled transformation that significantly uplifts human society. The AngelBase opportunity is vast.

Though the site owner admits the website is out-of-date (read, ‘yeah, it still looks like it did in 1998′), he says “AngelBase LIVES… the system is progressing rapidly and we hope for public demos in Summer 2009 and a (beta) product release by December 2009 that will be downloadable from this web site.”

What’s up with AngelBase, really? Well, that’s where it gets really fun:

AngelBase is a Sacred Industrial Project of
The Legacy of the AngelsTM — a spiritual movement dedicated to making this world a better place. And there is plenty of angelic work that needs to be done, because there are six billion people on this planet, and most of them are suffering…

An “Angel,” by the way, is “any Being who is sincerely devoted to serving God on the basis of Love, Goodness, Truth, Peace, Joy, Caring and Generosity.”

Who is the Chief Angel for AngelBase.com? Well, it’s Mark L. D. Emerson, dammit. Says so right there on AngelBase.com – “Mark Laurence Donald Emerson, Chief Angel.”

We wondered why he specifically said that his Goddess should NOT be a Scientologist – aside from the obvious reasons. It probably has something to do with this: Mark Laurence Donald Emerson v. United Church of Religious Science, et. al. The suit was filed in August, 2005 and was about “Injury – Assault, Libel, and Slander.”

You know, ASSME believes in a guy’s right to dream and call himself Chief Angel, too, even if that might make the Baby Jesus weep. We just can’t be too nasty about it.

The rest of the Internet may point and snicker, Mark Emerson, but we salute you. You shine on, you crazy diamond.

Just stay 100 feet away at all times, man, and keep your hands off our goddesses.